


Chasing Normal

by Donovanspen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cold Weather, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Human Castiel, Intimacy, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-01-20 09:50:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1506098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean reevaluates his definition of an 'apple pie life' and what that means for him, personally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Please feel free to let me know of any typos, and I'll gratefully correct them.
> 
> (I don’t own anything related to Supernatural. Just having fun writing stories.)

Dean eased up the drive towards the cabin.  The snow had already started falling and was forecasted to dump an additional several inches over the next few days.  He had driven through the night, only stopping long enough for a short catnap and to refuel on coffee.  He wanted to get ahead of the weather, but he was also really anxious to see Cas. He wasn’t sure of the reception he’d receive, but mostly he tried not to dwell on that so much.

Things were settled, well as much as it could be when it came to their lives.  The angels were back in Heaven. Sam was alive and healthy. Cas had returned to Heaven as well, only to call two months ago and inform Dean that he was once again human.  He had made his choice and wanted the Winchesters to know, even though he had no intention of joining up with them.  And while Dean had tried to understand and respect his wishes, he couldn’t just write him off completely.  Not wanting their friend to endure a harsh life on the streets again, he and Sam set him up in Rufus’ old cabin and promised to keep their distance with the exception of the occasional supply drop.  Each visit had been nothing more than a brief thirty minute stop to check in and then head back out.  Dean hated it, but it was what Cas wanted. 

The angel had been there when Dean’s world fell apart.  He wouldn’t have his brother if it weren’t for him.  And while he was trying to do as Cas had asked, Dean didn’t want to make the same mistake again.  Regardless of whether he had a choice or not, he’d been a shitty friend, and Cas deserved better.  He figured two months alone in the isolated cabin was plenty of ‘alone’ time. If Cas truly wanted him gone, then he would leave, but he had to at least try.  

He could see the smoke curling up from the top of the chimney, and the faded yellow light shining from behind the thin curtains.  He looked over the outside, satisfied that the old building seemed to still be holding up well.  He grabbed his duffel from the backseat and walked up to the front door.  

“Hey Cas,” he shouted as he knocked against the hard wood.  “Open up, Buddy.  I got some stuff for you.”  He fidgeted against the bite of the icy wind and was about to knock again when the door opened. He could feel the ridiculous smile pushing against his lips, but held it in check as he took a good look at Cas’ surprised face.

“Dean, what are you doing here?” 

“Freezing my ass off. Step aside,” he joked as he stepped into the warmth of the cabin.  He dropped his duffle inside the doorway and turned back to look at Cas. He was relieved to see that he looked well, although maybe a little too thin.  The small amount of stubble showed that he was shaving regularly, despite the unruly state of his hair.  Long bangs hung over his forehead and large curls brushed against his collar.  Damn, it was good to him see him. He wanted to reach out and pull him into a hug, but he settled for giving him a clap on the shoulder and telling him to hold the door.

Two more trips to the car and he had all the supplies inside.  Cas still hadn’t said much, instead hovering nearby and looking over the groceries as Dean laid them out and rambled on about his trip and the things he’d brought with him.  He was beginning to get nervous.  He’d been there long enough for Cas to give some indication as to how he felt about the intrusion.  With the last of the groceries put away and Cas still not speaking, Dean was starting to get a bit nervous. 

“So, Cas, you’re looking good. The cabin looks great, too. You’re definitely one for keeping a tidy place.”

“Dean.  Why are you here?” 

It wasn’t a rejection, but it was also a far cry from a warm welcome.  Dean thought about playing it off, giving some easy answer about wanting to do a road trip and hadn’t paid attention to the weather.  He had gone through numerous scenarios on his drive up, from elaborate excuses to outright begging. “Honestly, I’m worried about you. I’ve never liked the idea of you being up here all alone, and I know that’s my fault. I just wanted to spend some time with you, make sure you’re ok.”

Cas huffed out a breath and moved over towards the sofa.  “Not everything is on you, Dean.”

“This is,” he countered. “I know this past year was hard on you with Metatron causing the fall, being human, and then all the fighting. I know I haven’t been a good friend to you, but I think I know you well enough to know that stuff tore you up. And I made it even worse.  If I hadn’t sent you away, you would have been with us instead of on your own. And I think that maybe after what happened last time you were human, you’d rather not try again.” 

Cas didn’t answer, but Dean saw the muscle in his jaw twitch. 

“I wasn’t there for you then. I want to be now.” 

Cas frowned at his words. “I’m not an obligation.”

“That’s not what I meant. You were there for me when I needed you.  This is supposed to be a two way street.  You should be able to count on me as well.  Look, how about we give it a couple of days?  If you still want me gone, I’ll go.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be good company,” Cas finally said.  

“That’s fine,” Dean replied with a shrug.  “I brought some beer, movies, a few books.  We’ll just hang out.  I can help with whatever project you’ve been working on.” 

“I’ve done what I could with what I had.  The woodpile is low. I’ve been working on it every day, but I’m burning through most of it.” 

Dean walked over to the window and glanced out.  With more snow coming their way, they would definitely need to stock up some more. He could feel a slight chill in the air and knew that with the winds picking up, it would take a lot more wood to get the drafty cabin warm.  “We have about another 30 minutes before it gets dark.  What do you say we start building up the woodpile? Shouldn’t take long with the both of us.”

 

 

 

“Damn, it’s cold out there,” Dean grumbled when they came back in forty minutes later.  Cas grunted his opinion as they started peeling off their coats and gloves.  “Hey, if you get the fire built up, I’ll start dinner.  I’m pretty wiped so it won’t be anything fancy. What?” he asked when he noticed that Cas had stopped and was staring at him.

“Nothing,” he replied as he reached down and grabbed a few logs.  “This is just different.”

Not really, Dean thought. He cooked all the time. And it bothered him to know that it was his fault that this would be such a surprise for his friend. There was a cordial peace between them, but Dean could still feel that wall.  Cas accepted the minimum of help from them yet remained reserved. Dean wanted to get past that wall and not just for himself.  Cas had chosen a human life and after everything he had sacrificed, he didn’t deserve to endure it in loneliness. 

He walked over to the kitchen area and started pulling out what he would need.   He wished he’d thought to bring a few more pots and pans, but he could make this work. He heard Cas come up behind him and was pleased that he approaching on his own.  He opened up the package of corned beef and began cutting it into strips. 

Cas hovered about his shoulder, avidly watching as Dean dropped the strips into one of the frying pans. “Dude, all this time up here and you haven’t learned how to cook?” 

“My attempts weren’t very successful, and I thought it best not to waste food.”

“I hear ya,” he laughed. “We had some pretty interesting meals as kids until I learned what went well together.  I can…um… show you a few things, if you want. Then you’ll be able to make them for yourself when I’m gone.” 

“I’d like that.  What are you making?” 

“Reubens.  This is an easy way to make them.”  He picked up the package of sauerkraut and dropped a large heap into the pan as well. “Hand me that spatula.  Thanks.  I found it’s easier to put the meat and the sauerkraut in together instead of layering it.  Ok next, we’ll need butter and that loaf of brown bread over there.”  Dean waited until Cas got the items and came back over to his side. He showed him how to butter the bread and then place it into the other pan to begin toasting.   

“That seems pretty easy,” Cas commented as they carried their plates with the toasted sandwiches to the table. 

“Very,” Dean agreed. “They have a sharp taste, though. Not everyone likes them, but they go good with chips and beer.”

The conversation drifted off as they tucked into their sandwiches.  Dean tried to hide his smile as he listened to the little pleased humming noises that Cas was making. The poor guy seemed to be existing on canned chili and soup, and the savory meal was an unexpected treat.  So far there hadn’t been any uncomfortable silences, and Dean was beginning to feel more hopeful regarding this trip.  The combined effects of the long drive, full stomach, and relief that Cas didn’t toss him out on his ass all came together to wear on him.  They made quick work of the dishes, and Dean was ready to call it a night.

“Man, I’m beat.  Where do you want me to crash?”  The cabin was set up to be more functional for hunters than for comfort. The lone bed was a small camp bed against the back wall near the fireplace.  In the past they had set up bedrolls on the floor, but the poor insulation and freezing temperatures made that an extremely unappealing option. 

Cas gazed around the room for a moment before his eyes settled on Dean.  “Anywhere you’d like.  After all, you are allowing me to stay here.”

“No,” Dean began, shaking his head. “This is your place for as long as you want it to be.  I’m not going to just show up and take over.”  He wished he could read the expression on Cas’ face, but it was gone too quickly.  

“I’m not quite tired yet, so why don’t you take the bed?”

“You sure?”

“Yes.  I find the sofa to be just as comfortable.”

Dean walked over to retrieve his duffle, which was still near the front door.  He picked up the extra red one and dropped it by the sofa next to Cas.  “This is for you. Thought you could use some more stuff. 

There was that look again before Cas unzipped the bag.  His eyebrows rose as he pulled out a pair of boxers with Snoopy printed all over them. 

“Everyone should have fun underwear,” Dean told him before heading towards the back of the cabin. 

“Dean, what is all this?” Cas’ voice followed him.

“I told you.  Sam and I thought you could use some stuff.” He knew that he probably went a little overboard when picking out clothes, books and movies for his friend, but the thought of him just sitting up in this cabin all alone nagged at him. “It’s pretty damn cold up here so those clothes should really come in handy.” 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas pulled out the various sweatpants and long sleeved shirts, digging down to the bottom of the bag.  The movies were set aside along with the clothing, but he took his time perusing each worn paperback, reading the summaries on each book before moving onto the next one. 

By the time Dean had finished his shower and changed into some sleep clothes, Cas was fully engrossed in one of the novels.  He bid him goodnight and climbed under the chilly blankets.  Despite how well today had gone, he couldn’t help but still be apprehensive.


	2. Chapter 2

When he opened his eyes the next morning, his first thought was to burrow back under the covers. The fire had gone out in the middle of the night, and the cabin was positively frigid. Not wanting to wake Cas, he quietly slipped out of bed and threw on his clothes.  He had the fire going in no time, but it would be a while before the old cabin warmed up.  He thought about lighting the wood stove as well but decided to hold off. He had plans for today, and if Cas agreed, they wouldn’t be in the cabin for several hours. He turned around to head towards the kitchen area and saw that Cas was sitting up on the sofa with his blankets pulled up around his shoulders.

“Hey, sorry.  Didn’t mean to wake you.” Dean grinned at Cas’ sleepy grumble.  “Go back to sleep. I’m going to make us some breakfast.” 

Cas didn’t argue and flopped back down, pulling the blankets over his head. 

Glancing out the window, he saw that a heavy blanket of snow had fallen last night.  The forecast was calling for several days of intermittent snowfalls, but it was pretty calm right now.  He got the coffee going and started gathering items for what was probably Cas’ first decent breakfast ever.  By the time he had the table set, the heat from the fireplace was dispelling the worst of the chill in the air.

“Rise and shine, Sleepy Beauty. Grub’s up.”

Cas sat up again, taking a minute to rub the sleep from his eyes before shuffling over to the table, the blanket still hanging off of his shoulders. 

“Not a morning person?” Dean asked with a grin over his cup of coffee.  Cas didn’t bother answering, going instead straight to the coffee Dean had already poured for him.  It took half a cup and a couple of bites before Cas seemed to come fully awake. “Stay up reading?” Dean asked.

He nodded.  “Finished one and then started the next one in the series.”

Dean preened a bit that he knew Cas well enough to pick out reading material that would keep him engaged. It was just another moment that gave him hope that maybe there wasn’t that much distance between them.

“This is delicious. Thank you.”

Dean shrugged off his thanks, knowing that it was nothing compared to everything Cas had done for him over the past year. “So what do you do up here to pass the time?”

Now it was Cas’ turn to shrug. “I did some work on the cabin, but I didn’t have much in the way of supplies. Go for walks, watch television, but mostly I just think about everything that’s happened.”

Well, that can’t be good, Dean thought.  And that’s exactly why he had been worried: Cas out here alone in this cabin stewing in his own thoughts.  He’d been down that road before, and he knew that it didn’t lead to anywhere good. “And how’s that working for you?”

“Not well,” he admitted with a small frown.  “How’s Sam?”

Dean allowed the deflection. “He’s good.  Well, better,” he amended.  “With Heaven closed, and Crowley and Abbadon keeping each other busy, we’re getting a moment to catch a breath.”

“And?” Cas prompted.

Dean shifted uncomfortably. He knew exactly what Cas was asking. Things still weren’t great with he and Sam, but they were healing. “We’re getting there.  We’re still hunting but also spending some time apart.”

“Is that why you’re here?” Cas asked, his voice a little unsure as he kept his gaze focused on his breakfast.

“No,” he replied honestly. “It’s like I said last night. You’re important to me. Always have been even if I’ve been shit at showing you.  I’m trying to be better about respecting what others want, but I just can’t let go of this without trying to fix us.”  He wished he could lay it all out and tell Cas what he was feeling, but he was pretty sure that neither of them was ready.

There was a stillness in the air about them, Dean not wanting to push, and Cas obviously not ready to open up. But at the moment, it was enough.

“Ok.  Get dressed because we have stuff to do today,” he announced, breaking the silence.  “Put on the warmest clothes you have.”

 

 

“This is it,” Dean declared triumphantly as he surveyed the pristine, snow-covered hill. “Will you please trust me?” he chided at Cas’ dubious expression. “This is going to be a blast.”

“We passed several other hills that would have been sufficient,” Cas pointed out, still giving the steep slope a skeptical look.  “With less trees.”

“Come on, the best part is steering around them.” Dean positioned the plastic sled and then nodded for Cas to get on.

“You may go first.”

“Oh no.” Dean shook his head. “We’re going together. Come on.  Time’s a wastin’.”

“I don’t believe that device was designed for two adult males.”

“Dude, you’re like a freakin’ old lady.  Sam and I used to do this all the time.  Hell, little kids do it, Cas.”

With that dare, Cas threw Dean a pissy look but took a seat on the sled. Dean waited until he got situated and then climbed on behind him. 

“Scoot your legs in a bit,” he instructed as he bracketed Cas with his body.  He wrapped his arms around his waist and pressed his chest close up against his back.  It was a tight fit but he didn’t mind. Cas, on the other hand, was as tense as a board. “Relax,” he murmured resting his chin on his shoulder.  “This is nothing compared to the stuff we’ve done.  I’ll steer so you just follow my lead, ok?”

“Ok.”  Cas gave him a brief nod causing his hair to tickle his nose.

Dean took a minute to enjoy the closeness and warmth before letting go of Cas and using his hands to push the sled forward.  The second they began their descent downhill, he wrapped his arms back around Cas, holding the other man close to him. 

“Lean, Cas. No!  To the right! Right! Too much…left!” Dean shouted all the way down the hill, snow flying up around them as they came to a skidding halt.

“Woohoo!  That was friggin awesome!” He grinned over at Cas who was sporting a matching smile.  “Told you it was awesome.”

“That was very invigorating,” Cas replied, his serious answer undermined by his rosy cheeks and tufts of windblown hair sticking out from underneath his beanie.

It took two more runs down the hill before Cas decided he wanted to steer.  Dean had literally created a monster.  Somehow Cas always managed to find the little bumps that sent them airborne.  He was like a little kid, gleefully whooping down the hill while attempting every daring trick he could.

“Damn, that was fun,” Dean said once they were back at the cabin, finally driven inside by the dropping temperatures and a bitter wind chill.  He started peeling off his wet clothes, anxious to put on dry ones and get the fires going.

“I would not have imagined I could have so much fun from such a simple act.” Cas winced as he pulled his sweatshirt over his head.

“Yeah, that’s gonna hurt. Can’t believe you hit a tree.” Dean laughed at the memory of how Cas lost control of the sled and swerved just in time to broadside the trunk.

“I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t rolled off the back.  The drop in weight resulted in an unexpected increase in acceleration, and I was unable to turn in time.”

“Hey, don’t try to put this on me. I was yelling turn the whole time,” Dean trailed off as he looked up just in time to see Cas peeling off his wet underwear.  “Um… just glad you’re ok.”  With most of his wet clothes on the floor by the door, he crossed over to the back of the cabin to pull some clean clothes out of his duffle.  Having a bit more privacy than he had by the door, he stripped off his wet boxer briefs and hurriedly pulled on dry clothes.  He grabbed his lighter and lit the fire that they had prepped earlier in the fireplace.

“Dean.”

He glanced over to see Cas hovering near the back of the sofa, now wearing a pair of sweatpants.

“Yeah?” 

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.  I apologize.”

“Hey, it’s no big deal. You room together long enough, it’s bound to happen.”  He walked over to the wood stove and lit that one as well.  Cas was still standing in the same spot, but now he was no longer making eye contact. Dean could see him withdrawing, and the last thing he wanted was to lose ground.  He clapped a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“Seriously, it’s cool. Finish getting dressed, and I’ll show you how to make spaghetti.”

Cas joined him in the kitchen, but Dean could tell by his quiet demeanor that he was still upset over their earlier awkward moment.  Granted, he could have handled it better, but he had been caught off guard. He had been close to Cas in so many ways but one.  And while he hoped to move them in that direction, he hadn’t been prepared for how incredibly intimate the whole thing had felt.

Cas helped him make the spaghetti, but their easy peace from earlier was gone.  He didn't talk much and when he did, it was brief answers to questions that Dean had asked.

After dinner, he suggested they watch the Star Wars trilogy.  Cas quietly agreed, and they settled down on the sofa and began Episode IV. Cas was asleep before Han even met Luke.  It had been a long day, and Dean thought maybe calling it a night was the way to go.  He turned off the movie, covered Cas with a blanket, and stoked the fire before climbing onto the cot.  The day had started off so wonderfully, and now he was lying here worrying if he would even be able to hold onto this relationship, let alone move them forward.

 

 

Dean rolled over and tried to figure out what had woken him.  The first thing he noticed was the bitter chill in the air.  He could hear the wind whistling through the nooks and crannies of the old building, and the temperature inside the normally cool cabin had to have dropped a good fifteen degrees. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was only 1am.  Usually, they could let the fire die out naturally and then sleep through the night with the residual heat being sufficient.  Dean could tell that wouldn’t be the case tonight. Apparently, Cas was feeling the bite of the cold as well as Dean could hear him shuffling around.

He stood up and grabbed the blanket from the bed and wrapped it around his shoulders.  The thin cotton socks provided little protection as he made his way across the room.  He peered over the edge of the sofa, thinking that Cas might be reading since the lamp had been turned on. Instead Cas was huddled into a shivering ball with his blankets wrapped securely around him.

“Dammit,” he muttered. Cas never complained about sleeping on the sofa, but with its location in the front of the cabin with the front door and windows, it made sense that it would be colder. Dean immediately felt guilty about taking the camp bed, which was closer to the fireplace than the sofa was to the wood stove. Plus, the small little back area was more closed off and seemed to retain heat better.

He laid his blanket across Cas and went back to the fireplace.  Once the fire was lit and starting to blaze, he dragged the camp bed away from the wall and placed it horizontally a few feet back from the fireplace. It was the size of a regular twin bed and it would be a tight fit, but they could make it work. The cabin didn’t have much in the way of creature comforts, but this would have to do.  He made a mental note to stock up on extra bedding the next time he had a chance to get into town.

Cas, fully awake now, came into the room, gravitating towards the warmth of the fire.  “Cold?” he guessed, shooting a curious look at the rearranged furniture.

“Yeah, it’s a damn icebox in here. You weren’t looking too comfortable, either.”

Cas gave a slight shrug as he shifted in front of the fire.  His socks were more threadbare than Dean’s so he had to be feeling it.

“I, uh, thought that since we’re both freezing that maybe we should buddy up and try to get some rest here. Even with the fire, we’re not going to be able to really get this place warmed up, not with the wind kicking like that.” It was a logical suggestion, but if he was honest, the temperature wasn’t his only motivation.

The seconds ticked by as he waited for Cas to say something.  Heat from the fire was slowly creeping into the area, but it was still uncomfortably cold. If Cas said no, they would figure something out, but he really wanted him to say ‘yes’.

“You don’t have to.”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t think it was a good idea. We’re both freezing here, and until we can get out and get some better supplies, we do what we can.” Dean studied him for a moment and then cursed himself for making Cas even more uncomfortable. “Hey, it was just a thought. You’ve been cramped up on that small couch, why don’t you go ahead and get some rest?”

“No, you’re right. I don’t imagine we’ll be very comfortable, but it’s better than the alternatives.” Cas sounded sure of himself, but Dean noted that he still waited for him to make the first move.

It took them a minute to get situated to where they could both stretch out and fit within the small space. Being slightly larger, Dean opted to be the big spoon and curled around Cas.  He felt him tense up and was worried that he was going to pull away, but he eventually relaxed in his hold.  “This ok? You comfortable?”

“I am,” Cas answered. “It’s definitely warmer.”

“Good.  Good.” He still wasn’t convinced that Cas was ok with this, that he would be allowed to have this.  He had no clue where to go from here.  Small talk didn’t seem like a good idea, and although he was tired, he was also keyed up. He decided to take his cues from Cas, which meant lying still and hopefully trying to go to sleep.  He was certainly comfortable enough to nod off and apparently so was Cas as he heard soft snores several minutes later. He felt the rest of his anxiousness bleed away, relieved in the knowledge that Cas felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in his arms. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Dean woke up with a stiff neck and burning eyes.  He was exhausted. Cas was a restless sleeper and had tossed and turned as much as the narrow bed would allow. Dean didn’t think he even managed two solid hours.  He eased out from under the covers and tended to the fire as quietly as he could. Cas seemed to be resting pretty well right now, and Dean knew he could use a few more hours. He grabbed his clothes and bundled up against the chill.  He managed to get the fire going in the wood stove without making much noise and then headed down to the basement.

It honestly hadn’t occurred to him that the cabin wouldn’t be adequate for the coldest of winter days.   And of course, Cas would never tell them that he was cold and miserable. Even with its obvious deficiencies, this cabin rated higher than being on the streets.   

He searched the room, looking for anything that could be used to seal up the cracks and cover the windows. His search yielded tools but no materials.

“Dean?” Cas was standing on the stairs watching him with furrowed brows.  “What are you doing?”

“Hey.  Just seeing what we can use to warm this place up,” he answered, heading back up towards Cas.  “Nothing much down here, though.  We’ll head into town and get some supplies. Pack a bag.  We’ll get a room and stay overnight, head back early tomorrow and get this place all toasty.”

“I think we’re snowed in.”

“Nah.   The roads will be plowed by now, and the Impala has all weather tires. I just have to clear the drive out to the road.”

Cas didn’t say much, and he didn’t seem opposed to the idea so Dean moved forward with his plans. He really had no choice. The cabin was too damn cold.

They were on the road by noon, Cas still quiet.  All morning, Dean had been second-guessing his suggestion that they share a bed if this was the result.  Well, he got Cas to loosen up and have fun once, he could do it again.

 

The town was small, but Dean was sure it would have everything they needed.  Their first stop was a small family restaurant where the lunch special included dessert.

“So, is everything ok? You’re kind of quiet this morning,” Dean prodded after they had placed their orders.

“I’m fine,” he replied, even as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

As far as Dean knew, this was the first time in months that Cas had been around people other than he and Sam. He hadn’t been there the first time around to know how difficult or easy it had been for Cas to adjust to his humanity, but he had a feeling this time around was harder.

“Ok,” he nodded, willing to let it go for now.  “I was thinking that after we eat, we pick up some clothes for you and then hit the laundromat.”

“You just gave me clothes,” Cas frowned.  “What am I going to be doing to require more?”

“Nothing,” Dean reassured him. “You’re not exactly mobile up here, and I want to make sure you have everything you need.  The stuff I bought was mostly sweats and stuff. Now you can go try on things that’ll actually fit.”

That seemed to satisfy him. Cas didn’t ask any more questions regarding the shopping but instead wanted to know how the hunts had been going.  He wasn’t in the mood to talk about the rough patches that he and Sam were still working through, so he focused more on the hunts themselves.  Thankfully, Cas seemed content to let him do so. Dean wasn’t sure if he did it to keep from talking about himself, but he’d take it.

The local thrift shop was small but packed full of items.  With everything crammed onto the small racks, it seemed to be taking Cas forever to pick out what he wanted.  Dean had already picked out some socks, t-shirts and work boots.  He’d even been lucky enough to grab three blankets that had just come in earlier that week.

“What about this one?” Dean held up yet another button down, long-sleeved shirt.

“I don’t like it,” Cas replied, giving it a dismissive glance.

Dean resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  It wasn’t like Cas was into fashion.  Not even two hours ago, he was pleased with his current sparse wardrobe, but now he was giving every item a critical eye.

“Well, how about this?”

“Dean.” 

“Ok.” He returned the garment to the rack.  “Is this your way of saying that you don’t want any clothes?”

“No…why would you think that?”

“Because of what you said during lunch, and now we can’t seem to even get one shirt.”

“Dean, I’ve never done this. Before, I barely had enough money to eat, never mind purchase many clothes.”

He was so used to having Cas by his side that he often forgot about the little things.  He and Sam had been picking out their clothes since before they were teenagers, and their only issue was making sure they had functional things to wear.  And while he knew that Cas has had many human experiences, he underestimated how they had affected him.

“Here.”  He pulled out his wallet and handed Cas forty dollars. “You take your time and get what you need.  I’ll go ahead and pay for these and go get the stuff for the cabin. I’ll meet you back here in an hour?” He knew he made the right decision when the corners of Cas’ lips turned up into a little half smile.  He decided right then and there that he would do whatever he had to do to see that smile more often.

 

By the time he circled back around to pick him up, Dean had managed to get all the materials that he thought they would need for the cabin.  He’d even found a discount store and picked up some cheap throw rugs for the floor as well.  Cas was waiting by the door when he pulled up.  His bag was full, and he seemed pleased so Dean figured it had all went well.

They chose a reasonable motel right in the middle of town within walking distance to various restaurants. It looked pretty much the same as any other motel where he’s stayed, but compared to the cabin and the hard camp bed, the place was luxurious.  The cozy warmth of the room was a welcome change from last night. As far as Dean was concerned, the evening was off to a good start.

The first thing on his agenda was dinner.  It took a little work, but Dean convinced Cas to hit the bar down the street.  “Just a few beers and a bite to eat,” he promised.

The food was pretty good and the beer on tap was better than average.  All in all, Dean was counting it as a win until the after work crowd really started showing up. Their quiet evening of sitting around throwing back beers and chicken wings quickly became something else, as Cas seemed to attract the eye of a small group of ladies.  He supposed he should have been happy to see the pleased, warm flush on his features as Cas blushed at the overt attention.  He would have even encouraged him to take the ladies up on their offers, despite his personal feelings about it, but he could tell that Cas was feeling the effects of the beers, and he didn’t want to push him into anything.  

It was a little past ten before they called it a night.  Cas appeared to be getting more flustered as the women became more aggressive, and Dean felt he had kept his distance long enough. He bade the ladies a good night and told them that they were heading out.  

“You all right?” Dean asked as they began the short walk back to their motel. “Did that chick actually bite you?”

“No,” he replied, rubbing his neck. “She was mostly …sucking.”

Dean bit back a laugh at Cas’ offended tone.  Honestly, it had been hard for him to sit back and watch those women flirt with him, but he’d promised himself that he was going to be good for his friend.  It wasn’t his place to deny Cas the experience of having beautiful women flirt with him.  “I’m surprised you didn’t even dance with one of them,” he joked, playfully bumping into his shoulder.  “You seemed pretty relaxed.”

Cas hunched down in his jacket with his hands shoved in the pockets.  He kept his head down and didn’t reply right away.  Dean began to wonder if maybe he had misread the situation and maybe Cas wasn’t as ok with the way the evening had turned out. Maybe he wanted to stay with the women, or maybe he had been uncomfortable the entire time.  The longer it took Cas to answer, the more concerned he became. 

“What about you?” Cas finally spoke as they entered their room.  “The one named …Jeanette, I think, seemed quite taken with you. I’m surprised you didn’t want to continue your evening with her.”

Dean closed the door behind them, and the words were out of his mouth before he really gave them much thought. “Yeah, well I’m kind of interested in something more solid than a one night stand.”

Cas turned to look at him as he shucked off his jacket. “Oh…do you have someone in mind?”

“Yeah, I do.”  He didn’t know why he made that admission, but it was too late to take the words back.

Cas stared at him, eyes wide and curious. “Really?  Who is she?”

“Um,” Dean stalled as his mind scrambled to come up with an answer.  He was an accomplished liar but at the moment, he didn’t want to lie to Cas. But he sure as hell wasn’t ready to tell him the truth. Unfortunately, he hesitated too long, and Cas started to withdraw.

“It’s ok,” Cas told him with an awkward smile and shrug.  “After what happened with Lisa and Ben, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to tell me.”

“Dude, no.  It’s not like that.  I just…” he trailed off, still unable to come up with an answer that would reassure Cas and still keep his secret. 

“Dean, it’s fine.  I understand.”  An uncomfortable silence stretched between them until Cas shifted and reached for his bag.  “I’m going to take the bathroom first, if that’s ok.”

“No, it’s not ok, and no, you don’t understand.” He wasn’t ready to do this, but he wasn’t about to let this misunderstanding fester between them. “Look, I didn’t come up here to try to pressure you into anything, but I think you and I could be good together.”

Dean watched as Cas’ expression turned less guarded and more confused. 

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re really going to make me spell this out?” He wished he could rewind this conversation ten minutes and avoid this all together.  At the very least, he wished he had another drink.  He knew that his feelings for Cas were strong, and he knew that Cas harbored similar affection for him, even if he didn’t outright identify them as romantic.  But he didn’t have a good track with relationships.  Hell, he wasn’t even sure exactly what he wanted; he just knew he wanted it with Cas. 

He dropped down onto the end of the bed and ran his hands through his hair, searching for a way to explain how he felt. “I know this may seem like new territory for us, but it really isn’t.  It’s always been there. We just never really acknowledged it.”

“And you think we should now?”

“Yeah, I do.  We never seem to catch a break.  There’s always a pile of world-ending shit coming our way.  I think we need to make us a priority for once.”

Cas nodded and took a seat on the opposite bed, but he was no longer looking at Dean, and he wasn’t talking.

“So, any thoughts?” Dean prompted after a few excruciating seconds had passed.

“I’m still not sure I understand.”

Ok, not what he wanted to hear, but he could work with it.  “All right.  Let’s talk it out,” he said with forced enthusiasm.

Cas hesitated again, and Dean felt what little confidence he had start to fade. He wasn’t used to being this direct and open in expressing his feelings, but Cas always seemed to understand him. He hoped that was the case now.

“Um, I’m getting a little nervous over here,” he said, hoping to tease away some of the tension.

“You like women,” Cas blurted out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I do,” Dean agreed. “I never not liked men.  Sometimes it’s just too awkward to pursue anything.”

“Dean, what’s going on with you and Sam?”

“Sam?  What does he have to do with us?  Are you worried he won’t approve or something, because I gotta tell you, he….”

“Dean, no.  That’s not it.”

“Then what?”

“I know your relationship has been strained, and Sam has been distant.  It’s understandable that you would want to fill that void.”

“You think this is because I’m upset over Sam wanting his space?”

“It makes sense,” Cas reasoned. “He’s always been your priority.”

“Well, maybe you haven’t been paying attention,” he snapped, stung once he realized what Cas was implying.

“You’re angry.”

“I’m insulted.”  And hurt. “Man, I just opened up to you and told you how I felt, and you accuse me of using you as a band-aid for Sam. If you’re not interested fine, but don’t you dare sit there and say I’m using you.”

“I didn’t mean to insult you. Dean, I know what it’s like to feel hurt and alone.  I have never blamed you for your devotion to Sam.”

“Oh, ok.  So we’re just going to overlook my devotion to you and act like this is all new.”

“Why now?” Cas persisted.

“I told you back in that crypt that I needed you, and you just left. I stayed in Purgatory until I found you. I left Sam alone to finish the trials because you needed my help.  Yeah, my whole life has been devoted to looking out for Sam, but I sure as hell tried my best to do right by you as well.” He had no idea how this had turned into a rehashing of past hurts.  He could handle it if Cas was unsure or even reluctant, but this wasn’t even a gentle rejection.  Dean had opened up and put himself out there, and Cas was throwing out every reason to say ‘no thanks’.

“Dean.”

“You know what, forget it. Bad idea.  I’m going to bed.”  He stood up and moved around to the other side of the bed, keeping his back to Cas.  He debated going back to the bar but instead shucked off his boots and jeans and climbed under the covers, hoping the alcohol he had already consumed would bring sleep faster.

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Please feel free to let me know of any typos, and I'll gratefully correct them.

He’d only been asleep for a couple of hours when he heard the ragged breaths and the shuffling coming from the other bed. He reached over and switched on the bedside lamp and saw Cas sitting up in his bed, rocking back and forth with his hands clenched in his hair.

“Cas, you ok?” 

“I’m fine,” he mumbled.

He was still coming around, but he was awake enough to see that Cas was a far cry from fine. The urge to go over to him was strong, even though he was still smarting from earlier. But he couldn’t just ignore him, either.  “Come here,” he offered.

“I’m fine,” Cas repeated. 

“No, you’re not.  Dude, you’re shaking.  Sometimes it helps to be close to someone.”

Cas slowly got up and came over, sliding into the spot Dean had made for him.  He pulled the covers up over his shoulders and curled onto his side. 

It was enough that he accepted that much comfort. Dean lay back on his own side of the bed and tried to go back to sleep.

“I thought you were mad at me,” Cas said. 

“Doesn’t mean I like seeing you have nightmares.” 

“Are you? Still mad at me?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe a little mad, a little hurt.” Dean shifted onto his back so he could see Cas out of the corner of his eye.

Cas rolled over until he was facing Dean. “I was trying to be honest. I think very highly of you, Dean, but all of this is new.  I don’t have much experience, all of it having been bad.”

Dean was bad at relationships, but Cas was decidedly worse. The poor guy was already dealing with so much, and now Dean had heaped this on top of the pile.  He should feel guilty, but he knew that he could be good for Cas, help him through this.  He knew him, really knew him in a way that nobody else on earth could. That had to count for something, and he told him as much. 

“It means everything.” 

And that was when Dean realized that Cas was scared.  There was no angelic war to divert his attention or a home to rebuild.  Cas was well and truly on his own with the exception of the Winchesters, and he was not prepared to risk that anchor. 

“I know this seems out of the blue, but it isn’t.  I’ve had strong feelings for you for a while now.  It was just never the right time.”

“And now is?” 

“I don’t know.  I think it’s more that I’m afraid of waiting until it’s too late or that it’s never going to be the perfect time.  I’m not trying to force anything here. I just want to be close, however that happens.”  He was tired and not really up for this conversation.  True, it was going better than it had earlier, but he wasn’t good at expressing feelings even on a good day.  A small part of him was hopeful since Cas was initiating this, but he was still feeling a bit wary. 

“I have thought about it. Us,” he clarified.

“Ok.” Dean waited for him to continue.

“I don’t know… we’re not like the books or movies.  I don’t know this.”

“Well, maybe that’s the problem. We’re trying too hard to be normal, but it’s somebody else’s normal.” 

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“I’m not sure I do completely, either.  I used to look at the world one way but over the years, I see more gray areas.  I had this idea that the perfect life was settling down with a wife and kids, and that just wasn’t going to happen being a hunter.  I tried to walk away once, but it didn’t work. I thought it was all or nothing, but I’m seeing that it isn’t.”

“What changed your mind?”

“It wasn’t just one thing. Garth is happily married to a werewolf.  Sam has tried his entire life to leave hunting and be normal.  Now that he’s discovered the Men of Letters, he’s redefined what that means.  So much has changed over the past few years, and when I look at my life, I know that I want you in it.”

“How do you see us?” Cas pressed.

Dean shifted as his frustration began to build.  It was a struggle for him to find the words, and Cas was asking for even more. “I dunno, kind of like how we are but with more.”

“More?” Cas repeated.

“Yeah, hanging out, watching movies, drinking beer.” 

“We do that now.”

“Yeah, but being together means we get do other stuff.”

“Other stuff.  Like sex.” 

“If it happens, but it’s not just about that.  It’s intimacy and affection. Come on, man. You know this.”

“Somewhat,” Cas agreed. “And this is something you want with me?”

“Yeah, I do.  I mean, if you want it, too.”

Cas was silent again. Dean hated those moments where he had no idea what he was thinking.  “You said you thought about us.  What did you think?”

“I wondered where I fit into your life, especially now that I don’t have powers and am not hunting with you.”

It was said casually, but Dean could hear the weight behind his words.  He rolled over so that he was now facing Cas, making sure to catch his eye. “Was that something you were worried about? Wait, is that why you didn’t want to come to the bunker?”

Cas kept his gaze but didn’t answer.

“No matter how this plays out, no matter what happens, you have me, understand?”

“Even if I’m not what you expected?” 

“Cas, we’ll figure it out just like we always do.  Look, why don’t we try to get some sleep, and we can talk again later.”

“I doubt I’ll get much sleep tonight. And I don’t need to talk later. I already know that I want to try this with you.”

Dean felt a warmth flow through him: relief, elation, love.  He wasn’t sure what it was, but it was all directed towards the man lying beside him.  He felt like he should do something to commemorate the moment, like kiss or something, but this was all still so new and fragile.  Yes, he had been the one to originally bring it up, but he was still feeling his way as much as Cas was.  He decided to go for neutral ground.

“Good.”  He reached out and took hold of Cas’ hand, initiating their first contact as a couple.  “You didn’t sleep much last night either.  Might help if you talk about it.”

“Dean,” he sighed. “I have lived a very long time and have seen and done many things.  I would think a few nightmares are pretty much a given.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, having dealt with his own nighttime issues.  “But having someone to lean on really does help. Come here.”  He tugged on Cas’ hand and reached out to pull him against him.  There was a bit of awkward fumbling as Cas tried to get situated comfortably. 

It was definitely a different feel to have Cas pressed up along side of him with his head resting on his chest. Like last night, Cas was stiff and tense, despite being draped half across Dean.  Realizing that he wasn’t going to open up about the dreams, Dean reached over and grabbed the remote off the nightstand before dropping an arm across his shoulders. He gave him an affectionate squeeze and dropped a light kiss on top of his head. “Relax,” he murmured.  “We’ll watch a little TV and sleep in if need be.” It was the right thing to say. Dean could feel Cas’ taught muscles loose some of their tension.

 

 

 

It felt good to wake up cuddled up next to Cas.  In the comfort of their room, everything was warm and toasty, and Cas radiated heat like a space heater. Cas must have turned the television off at some point, but the nightstand lamp was still on. He was still curled up next to him with his leg tangled with his. As Dean became more alert, he could feel his body’s reaction to having another person in his bed.   He tried to shift out from underneath Cas without waking him, but the minute he moved, Cas blinked open bleary eyes.

“What time is it?”

Dean glanced over at the clock. “A little after nine. We’ve got time if you want to get some more sleep.”  He tried to ease away without it appearing intentional.  Fortunately, Cas also rolled over and got up, allowing Dean to slip free.  And while he was glad to avoid a potentially embarrassing encounter, he was a little disappointed that Cas didn’t have any inclination to linger their first morning together.

Despite the fact that they both agreed that they wanted to try this, there was still an overall feel of awkwardness between them.  Dean wasn’t sure what he expected and honestly, this thing was better than the gaping distance and uncertainty he had felt previously, but there was still some ground to cover.

 

Their morning was uneventful. They checked out of the room, grabbed a late breakfast, and then finished what few errands they had left in town. They made it back to the cabin in the early afternoon with enough daylight left for them to start weatherproofing.

Cas stared with wide eyes at all the purchases that they had unloaded into the small cabin. “I didn’t realize you had bought so much.”

“Well, this is your place for now. You should be comfortable.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said moving to stand next to him and brushing a kiss against his cheek.  “This is very generous.”

Dean snaked an arm around Cas’ waist and kept him close up on him.  He leaned in a bit and tilted his head, waiting to make sure Cas was ok with where he was going.  He was. Cas leaned in and closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Dean’s.  It was a soft, chaste kiss, really no more than a barely-there caress, but for Dean, they had crossed a threshold.  This wasn’t sleeping together for warmth or to ward off nightmares.  This wasn’t friendship or gratitude.  This was something more. 

He eased back just a bit to search Cas’ expression. “This ok?”

“Very much so,” he replied, the deep rumble telling Dean that he was also moved by their interaction.

“In that case,” he murmured before dipping his head again for another quick taste. “Guess we’d better get on this stuff before we end up spending another cold night here.”  Dean couldn’t help but smile at the shy, flustered nod Cas gave before he moved away to start unpacking the groceries.

It took them almost two hours to complete everything.  They placed plastic sheeting over the windows and weather stripping around the front door. The throw rugs that he had picked up weren’t terribly thick or large but it was a start. They placed one under the kitchen table and another one in front of the sofa.  The other two were placed along the high traffic areas. The last thing was the queen-sized air mattress with the built-in pump.  They moved the camp bed back to its original place against the wall, and set the air mattress up in its place.  With the new blankets and pillows, the bed looked quite comfortable.

“I, uh, wasn’t implying anything,” Dean explained when Cas kept glancing back at the bed.  “It was either this size or a twin, and I thought you would be more comfortable in a larger bed.  I’m good with sleeping on the camp bed, especially now that we’ve done all this, it’s a lot warmer.”

“Dean, it’s all right. I mean, if that’s what you want.”

“Yeah, it’s what I want.”

“Ok, good.  So, what’s next?”

Cas seemed fine with continuing to share a bed, so Dean figured they were good. This was definitely different from anything he had ever done before.  He and Cas knew each other and had been through so much together, yet this was all so new. He tried not to read too much into the fact that Cas alternated from being very matter-of-fact to shyly affectionate.  “Dinner.”

Dean showed him how to doctor up canned clam chowder by adding more canned clams and butter.  The conversation was mostly small talk about the cabin and projects that they wanted to do when the weather warmed up. Cas talked about setting up a bird and squirrel feeder along with planting a small garden. Dean tried to not let it bother him that Cas was thinking of staying at the cabin long term, but if he was honest, a small part of him had hoped that Cas would eventually join them at the bunker. 

“Are you tired?” he asked as they put away the last of the dinner dishes.  It was only 8pm but he knew that Cas hadn’t slept much the night before.

“A little,” Cas admitted, “but I’m not ready to go to sleep yet.  Did you have something in mind?”

“Oh yeah.  I’m going to introduce you to the Marvel Universe.”

Cas gave him a slight head tilt and squint when Dean didn’t explain further.

“Well, the movies at least. We’ll save the comics for another day.  We have the X-Men and Iron Man series.  Captain America. The Avengers.  We’ll start with those. You game?”

“Of course.”

Dean set up the first movie, X-Men, while Cas changed into a pair of sleep pants that they had picked up. When he went to sit at the other end of the small sofa, Dean held out his arm in invitation.  Cas moved over, and Dean pulled him into a closer hold so that Cas had his back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around his waist and nuzzled his nose against the soft curls along the back of Cas’ neck. “Comfy?”

“Mmmm.” Cas gave a contented sigh and leaned back more fully against him.

“How’s your shoulder?” Dean hooked a finger under the collar of his shirt and pulled it down to reveal the fading bruise.

“It’s fine.  Doesn’t hurt.”

“That’s good.”  Dean placed a kiss on the tender flesh and then another one on his neck before reaching for the remote and starting the movie. He liked X-Men well enough but it wasn’t one of his favorites, and he found himself concentrating more on Cas than the movie.  They were only forty-five minutes into the movie when Dean turned his attention fully to the soft spot on the back of Cas’ neck.  He started off brushing his lips lightly against the skin, grinning to himself when he felt Cas shiver.  He then upped his game with light kisses, starting off easy and then increasing the pressure until he was alternating between suckling and grazing his teeth against the now red area.

“Dean,” Cas groaned as he reached for the remote with shaky hands.  It took him three attempts before he was able to pause the movie.

“Umm hmm?”

“You’re distracting me,” Cas pointed out as he tilted his head, giving Dean more access to his neck.

“Sorry,” he muttered. He took full advantage of the newly exposed skin and kissed his way all along his throat.  Cas moaned and pushed back into his touch. It was all the permission Dean needed to slip his hand under his shirt. Cas’ skin was warm and soft despite the hard stomach muscles. He kept his hand in one area and let his fingers dance lightly across his skin, gently teasing him. 

Cas shifted and turned so that he could capture Dean’s lips. The movie was forgotten as they engaged in their first make-out session.  If Dean had any reservations about how Cas might feel about a physical relationship, those doubts were currently being laid to rest.  Cas was receptive to every touch, and it wasn’t long before the easy kisses became hot and heated.

It took every bit of willpower that he had to pull back, but he needed them to stop before things went too far. “Cas, hold up.”

“What’s wrong?  Why are you stopping?”

And damn, if Cas wasn’t temptation personified with his mussed hair and swollen lips.  “Nothing’s wrong.  I just think we should slow it down a bit.” He could see the confusion on his face so he reached out and ran a reassuring hand through his hair, pushing his bangs back from his forehead.  “Sometimes it’s just as nice to make out for a while.”

Even though he looked a bit skeptical, Cas nodded and tried to move back and put some space between them.

“Uh-uh.” Dean tightened his arm around his waist.  “Still want you close.”

Cas looked a little unsure as if Dean was rejecting him on some level, but he settled back against him and allowed Dean to hold him while they continued the movie.

 


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days were pretty low key as they felt their way around each other, taking the time to discover each other’s likes and dislikes.  For the most part, it was pretty much as Dean had expected.  He and Cas knew each other very well, had fought side by side for years.  They had both hit rock bottom and had to rely on the other for a hand up so Dean figured they were past that posturing phase that most couples hit when they want to only show the best of themselves. They enjoyed watching movies, talking about books, and playing outside in the snow.  They shared the few chores and cooked most of their meals together. They were hitting it off in almost every area.

Dean shifted a bit on the sofa, hoping to avoid that prickly pins and needles feeling that he got whenever his leg went numb from sitting for too long.  Cas had fallen asleep during yet another movie and was currently snoring while lying half in Dean’s lap. Even cuddled up in Dean’s arms, Cas spent a good portion of the night fidgeting and woke up tired every morning.   He still wouldn’t talk about his dreams, only telling Dean that they were manageable.  Dean begged to differ, especially now as he gazed down at the man asleep in his lap. It hurt that Cas wouldn’t open up to him, but he could hardly blame him.  He just hoped that over time, Cas would allow him to help.

Cas woke up with a slow stretch, looking up at Dean with bleary eyes. 

“Hey Sleepyhead.”  Dean gave a slight tug on his hair. “How’re you feeling?”

Cas pushed himself up to sit beside him.  He ran his hand across his face, chasing the sleep from his eyes. “Sorry.  How long was I out?”

“About forty minutes. Not a big deal.” Dean knew the short nap wasn’t enough to actually make up for the restless nights.  Cas still looked exhausted.

“No, this must be pretty boring for you.  I know that you’re used to being more active.  We should do something,” he announced.  He stood up, but Dean reached up and wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him back down against him.

“Like what?” Holding Cas close to him was damn near his favorite pastime, and he couldn’t think of anything that Cas could suggest that would compete.

“We could go for a walk.”

“It’s cold and dark. And we went for two walks earlier today.”  And went sledding and had snowball fights.  They had had more than enough outside time for today.

“We could go into town.”

“We could,” he agreed. “But we already had dinner, and we can have drinks here if that’s what you want.”

Cas looked at him. “Aren’t couples supposed to go on dates and do stuff together?”

“Sometimes.  It depends on the couple and what they want. I like just hanging out here and watching movies.  What do you want to do?”

“I don’t really have a preference,” Cas told him, looking a little lost.  “I like everything we do.”

“We can watch the next Thor movie,” Dean suggested.  It was slight, just a barely noticeable grimace, but Dean saw it.  “Or not?”

“That’s fine.  We can watch it.”

“Don’t do that,” Dean chastised. “If you don’t like it, just tell me.”

“I don’t dislike it. I just found it somewhat surreal, especially after Gabriel spent so much time being known as Loki.”

For Dean it was pure entertainment and escapism.  He never considered that Cas would see it as a reminder of his family.  “We can watch something else,” he suggested, reaching out and taking hold of his hand.  “I brought plenty of movies.  Or we can read.”

“Dean, you’ve been here for a week. I know that you don’t usually spend your time just sitting around like this.”

“Exactly,” Dean agreed. “We’re always chasing down some monster or in the middle of a huge battle.  I never get a chance to just take it easy and kick back. But if you’re feeling restless, I do have some ideas.”  He was pleased to see the slight blush spread across Cas’ cheeks at his suggestive tone. He had been all for taking it slow and not rushing into anything, but Cas was getting past all of his well thought-out reasons.  It had been a long time since he’d had the opportunity to be close to someone both physically and emotionally, and he found himself eager to share that experience with Cas. The only thing holding him back now was that he wasn’t sure Cas felt the same way.  Sure, he always responded to Dean’s touches, but it always seemed as if he was holding back.  Dean had no doubt that Cas would go as far as Dean wanted, but he wasn’t sure if it was what Cas really wanted.

“What exactly did you have in mind?”

“Come here and I’ll show you,” he teased 

Cas seemed content to let Dean take the lead, so he did.  He reclined back and pulled Cas down on top of him.  He loved the taste and feel of him. Even just trading lazy kisses got him hard and aching. He nuzzled down along his jaw line, sliding over warm skin until he got to the pulse point in his neck. He sucked gently, moving his tongue in time with his heartbeat and was rewarded with a throaty groan.

Dean glanced up and his satisfied smirk quickly turned into a frown.  Cas had a distant look in his eyes, and Dean wondered how long he’d been spacing out.

“Hey, if you’re not into this, we can do something else.”

“What?” Cas pulled back, looking a little confused.  “Why would you say that?”

“You just don’t seem down with this…” he trailed off, scooting up until he was sitting in the corner against the armrest.

Cas’ eyes narrowed with annoyance, but Dean still saw a flash of hurt.  “Maybe if you aren’t _into this_ , you should have said something.”

“I think it was pretty obvious that I was into it. I’m not the one zoning out and just going through the motions.” He didn’t mean to snap at Cas, but he was frustrated and more than a little hurt. 

“I didn’t realize there was a right and wrong way to do this.  My apologies for not meeting your standards,” Cas bit back. 

And this is exactly what Dean didn’t want.  He tried to push aside his own feelings and remind himself that Cas was different and that his reactions wouldn’t be typical.  He wasn’t crazy, though.  There was definitely something off.  Cas was staring down at the coffee table and his hands were clenched into fists. His hair was mussed and his clothes were still a little askew.  His breathing was a bit fast, and his skin still held a slight flush. Yes, Cas appeared as if he had been quite on board with their intimate activities, but Dean could still feel that barrier.  He also knew that he bore some of the responsibility.

“You’re right.” He rushed on to continue when he saw Cas flinch. “There isn’t a right or wrong way. Everyone is different, and this time is supposed to be about learning about each other.  I shouldn’t have assumed.  It’s just been my experience that when people act the way you’ve been acting, they aren’t that interested in sex and just going through the motions.”  It was supposed to be an apology and even somewhat reassuring, but Cas looked downright mortified. 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered as he shot up from the sofa. 

Dean wasn’t sure where he was going since the cabin was so small, and it was too cold to go hide outside. It didn’t really matter; they needed to get this resolved before everything just fell apart.  “Cas, hold up.”  He jumped up behind him and grabbed his arm.  Cas jerked but not hard enough to pull free. Dean tried to catch his eye, but Cas refused to meet his gaze.  “Ok fine, don’t look at me.  Just hear me out.  I didn’t mean to insult you or hurt your feelings.  Or humiliate you.  I had expectations that I shouldn’t have put on you.  We should be exploring this together.  It wasn’t fair of me to judge or criticize your reactions.  I was feeling insecure and hurt.  I thought you didn’t want me as much as I want you.”

Cas finally looked at him. “I have spent my entire existence as an angel.  I do not have a lifetime of learned human responses.  You forget that this body was once a vessel and not truly me. I don’t know all the nuances of what is and isn’t socially acceptable in every situation, especially not this one. ”

“And you don’t have to know,” Dean was quick to reassure him.  “I meant what I said about defining what is normal for us.  I’m not perfect at this either, man. I’m gonna screw up. And when I do, I’m going to need you to hold your ground and not run, ok?”

Cas nodded.  Dean tried not to be disappointed that he didn’t reach out physically, so he did it.  He pulled Cas into a hug and held onto him.  “Couples fight.  Hell, this wasn’t even a fight.  We just needed to clear the air.  I’m sorry.  Are we good?”

“We’re good.” Cas allowed, fully returning the hug.

“Awesome.  Feel like watching anything?”

“I think I would like to go to bed.”

“Alone or would you like some company?”

“Company would be nice.”

 

They started their bedtime routine of making sure the cabin was secured and adding a few extra logs to the fire. With the weatherproofing allowing most of the heat to stay in the cabin coupled with the coziness of their bed, Dean was able to start sleeping in his underwear again.  He didn’t know how Cas could be comfortable in those sleep pants; they always got bunched up around his legs. He’d even mentioned it once, suggesting that might be the reason Cas was so restless, but Cas had only given him a strange look. 

He settled into his usual spot on the air mattress and burrowed under the warm blankets.  He wanted to move closer, but he didn’t want Cas to feel pressured.  He felt comfortable with Cas, but he had let his insecurities get the best of him. He had wrongly assumed that since they had been through so much already, they would be able to navigate this new facet of their relationship as easily as they had worked cases together.  He told Cas that he knew him better than anyone, but then expected him to be like everyone else.  And Cas had obviously picked up on that as well. 

They had made up, but Dean was feeling that wall between them, stronger than ever. Usually, they started the night off with one of them wrapped in the other’s arms, but Cas was firmly on his side of the bed, facing the fire with his back towards Dean.

“Cas?  Can I touch you?”

He didn’t answer at first. He eventually rolled over and looked at Dean.  “I’m sorry I’m bad at sex.”

“You’re not.  I forgot to pay attention to what you needed. It didn’t help that I was coming at you like a horny teenager.”

“I like being touched, Dean.”

“Well, then come here.” He held out his arm and snuggled Cas close to him, dropping a kiss on top of his head.  “I’ll never get tired of touching you.”

“I never pictured you as a romantic, but it makes sense.”

“Yeah? How so?”

“You are very passionate about everything you do.  It stands to reason that you would be the same in your romantic relationships.”

“Damn straight,” he smiled. “But seriously, if I come on too strong, just let me know, all right?  You don’t normally put up with my crap, so no free passes now, ok?”

“Ok.”

Dean felt a little better now that they had cleared the air some more.  He also knew that Cas felt way too tense to fall asleep anytime soon. He dipped his head and gave him a soft kiss.  “Would you like to go into town tomorrow? We can go early, shoot some pool, and then head back before it gets dark.  Or we can spend the night again.”

“Do you think we could get some board games? I played a few when I was in the hospital.  I’d like to try them under better circumstances.”

“Sure.  Got any in mind?”

“Not really.” 

“We’ll see what looks good,” he told him, dropping another kiss on his head.

 

It wasn’t long before the firelight and warmth from the body next to him started pulling him towards sleep. He was almost there when Cas started shuffling around.

“You ok?” he asked.

“Sorry.  I was trying to get comfortable.”

A little more alert, he could see that Cas wasn’t any closer to falling asleep than he had been when they had lain down.  If anything, he appeared more keyed up.

“Easy.  You have to try to relax.  What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing.”

Dean felt the lie as if it was a physical force. Whatever the demons were, Cas was losing ground with them.

“Here.  Let me help.” He propped up on one elbow, and used his other hand to nudge Cas to lie flat on his back.  He began to hum as he ran his fingers across his forehead, alternating between rubbing the tense muscles and threading his fingers through his hair.

Cas let out a little sigh, and Dean took that as encouragement to continue.  He kept his voice low and chose the most soothing ballads from his list of favorites.  He wanted to make him feel good. He knew what would work for him in this situation, but Cas needed a different approach.

He leaned over and pressed his lips to his throat.  Cas tensed up again but didn’t pull away.

“I love how you sound. I met Jimmy, and you two sound nothing alike.  Even without your grace, I can hear the power in your voice.”

Cas’ breath hitched at the words breathed into his skin.  Dean continued to press kisses along his neck and collarbone while now dragging his fingers up his arm.

“There’s so much strength in you.” He squeezed his arm. “No matter what the situation, you adapt and come out swinging.”

“Dean.”

“Umm-hmmm?”

“What are you doing?”

He eased back and looked up. He could see Cas was responding to his touch, but there was a still a bit of apprehension in his features. “Do you want me to stop?”

Cas shook his head.

He turned his attention to his bare chest, rubbing his cheek against the taught muscles.  “I wish I could have seen your wings. How beautiful they must have been. Powerful.”  He took one nipple into his mouth and suckled gently before pulling back and blowing on it.  “You flew into Hell on those wings and carried me out.” He gave the other nipple the same treatment.

He was hard before he’d even started on his chest, and Cas’ needy little moans had his blood rushing. They had gone further than this with kissing and touching above the waist, but it had never been this sensual. Cas had always responded but never like this, never like Dean had gotten under his skin.

He went back to humming as his fingers danced across his torso.  He delighted in feeling his stomach muscles contract as he teased and kneaded. He reached the waistband of the pajama pants and stopped. This was new territory.

“May I?” He asked as he plucked at the elastic band.

Cas nodded. 

“Tell me,” he whispered, his mouth hovering close over his chest, his tongue darting out and leaving little wet marks to be cooled by the chilling air.

“Yes,” he groaned.

Dean latched onto one nipple and groaned himself when Cas bucked up towards him.  He reached down and laid his hand over his erection, thrilled to feel how hard and full he was.  He quickly looked up.  Cas was staring up towards the ceiling, but his eyes were clear and alert.

Dean closed his hand around him and gave it a few strokes, keeping his touch light so the flannel of the pants wouldn’t chafe him. 

“Dean.”  Cas’ voice was deep and husky, and damn if that didn’t send a shot of fire right through Dean’s veins. 

“Stop?” he asked, even though he was pretty sure of the answer.

Cas actually growled, and Dean figured that was good enough.  He kept stroking and fondling while pressing kisses to his chest.  When he returned his attention to the tight pink buds, Cas wrapped his arms around him and held him to his chest. It appeared that Dean had found one of his hot spots. 

“More,” Cas panted, pushing his hips towards him. 

Dean sat up on his knees and took in the sight of Cas laid out before him.  There was so much he wanted to do, so much to taste and touch. There was no way he would be able to do it all in one night. 

“Lift up,” he told Cas as he started working the pants down over his hips. He pulled them off and tossed them onto the floor.  He marveled at how much Cas trusted him.  He stroked his hand up the inside of his leg, keeping his touch light and teasing as he made his way to the juncture of his thigh.  He leaned down and sucked a bruising kiss into his hip, deepening the pressure when he heard Cas cry out.

“You think I don’t see you, but I do,” he murmured, pressing kisses along his thigh.  “You think I only see the flesh and bones, but I see more.  I see you.”

Cas reached for Dean, but he intercepted his hand and brought it to his lips.  “Let me take care of you.”  He placed his hand back on the mattress, and waited for Cas’ jerky nod before he continued.  “Open up for me, baby.” He nudged his leg gently, and Cas did as he was asked.

“I love that you trust me to see you like this. That you trust me to make you feel good.” He moved himself so that he was kneeling between Cas’ open thighs.  He pressed his palms along the inside, holding them open. He waited until Cas met his heated gaze before lowering himself into the cradle of his legs.  His own body was taught with need and he moaned from the pressure, his voice mingling with Cas’.  He’d kept his briefs on, not wanting to presume, but he could tell from how much Cas was squirming underneath him that he would need to be naked as well.  He tried to get up but Cas had him in a vice grip, finally able to touch and kiss Dean in return.

“Baby, wait,” he finally broke in between kisses.  “Slow down. Let me get my shorts off. I promise it’ll feel better.”

Cas didn’t wait.  He reached down and started pushing at his shorts, easing up only when Dean had to lift up to get them the rest of the way off. The second Dean started kicking them off from around his feet, Cas pulled him back to him, pressing his hot flesh up against Dean. 

“Damn, baby, you feel so good.” He tried to slow them down, get a little bit of control back, but it wasn’t happening. Cas didn’t really have a rhythm, and he wasn’t slowing down to try to match up to Dean.  And Dean loved every moment, each sporadic thrust, skin sliding against skin.  He could feel the heat pooling low in his gut and knew he wouldn’t last long. “Cas. I’m close.” He reached between them and wrapped his hand around the both of them, keeping his grip loose as he stroked them.

Cas growled low in his throat and tightened his thighs around Dean. He wasn’t very loud or vocal, but Dean got off on all the little noises that Cas made, knowing that he was the one that Cas allowed the privilege of seeing him like this.

“Cas.  Look at me.  Watch what you do to me.” He wanted Cas to see him, to be as open as Cas was being with him.  And that was all it took.  When Cas looked at him with that intense stare of his, Dean felt that tight coil of heat burst free. His hips stuttered and jerked as he grunted out his pleasure.

“Damn,” Dean panted, trying to catch his breath.  His body was still keyed up in the afterglow, and he moved lazily against Cas, chasing the last of that euphoric feeling. 

“Dean.” His voice sounded as if it had been ripped from him, and Dean could feel him trembling.

He was surprised to look up and see moisture pooling in his eyes. Dean could see that it was more than just this moment that Cas was holding onto.  This was more than just physical release.  This was Cas opening up and allowing himself to feel, and letting Dean in.  He reached a hand underneath Cas’ waist and shifted onto his side, pulling Cas with him. He moved his leg, bringing Cas’ leg between his own and pulled his hips up against his.  “Come on baby, take what you need.”

Even though he’d just come, his body hummed with pleasure as Cas moved against him.  He felt him tense up and knew he was close.  He talked him through it with a steady mix of endearments and dirty talk until Cas buried his face in his neck, muffling his shout as he came.  Dean worked him through the aftershocks, petting his hair and holding him close.  He could feel warm tears on his neck so he gave Cas a few minutes to collect himself.  He felt loose in his arms and he wasn’t full on crying so Dean figured he was just a little overwhelmed.  Besides, he was pretty damn comfortable and had no problem with staying put for a while.

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Please feel free to let me know of any typos, and I'll gratefully correct them.

Dean settled down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and gazed fondly at the figure still asleep on the air mattress.   Apparently all Cas needed for a restful sleep was an intense orgasm beforehand. Cas had fallen asleep almost immediately, and didn’t even wake when Dean slipped out of the bed and returned with a damp washcloth to clean him up.  The poor guy was exhausted.  He had slept peacefully through the night and was still out, despite Dean moving about the cabin.  The fires had been started and breakfast was waiting, but he didn’t have the heart to wake him up. 

Dean was on his third cup of coffee by the time Cas finally stirred.  He smiled when he saw Cas reach for him and then frown when his hand came upon the empty space.  “Morning.”

Cas sat up and looked over towards the table.  He was not a morning person, and it took him awhile before he really seemed to focus on Dean. “Morning,” he grumbled as he climbed out bed and stretched before heading into the bathroom.

Dean wondered if Cas was still half asleep or now just comfortable enough to parade around the cabin stark naked. Either way, Dean enjoyed the view. When he finished in the bathroom, Dean had a cup of coffee waiting for him.  Cas didn’t even acknowledge him until he had dressed and then sat across from him.

“Thanks.”

Dean nodded and got up to grab the breakfast that was warming in the stove.  It was the same thing they did every morning, but this felt different. He wished Cas would give some indication as to how he felt about last night because this was starting to turn into an awkward morning after. The walls had come down last night, and Dean had finally seen some of what Cas was holding in. And judging from the deep sleep, Cas needed to let go more often.  But right now, Dean couldn’t tell if Cas had enjoyed it, regretted it, or was pretending it never happened. 

“So…” he began.  “Still feel like heading into town today?”

“Sure, if that’s ok with you.”

“Yeah.  Weather looks good and the roads are clear. We can leave whenever.” He waited, hoping that Cas would give him something but he didn’t.  He gathered up the plates and took them over to the sink. He could feel himself getting frustrated, and that was the last thing he wanted to happen. He reminded himself that Cas had his own way of handling things and to be patient.  He would let him set the tone of how they moved forward. 

“You’re angry again.”

So much for taking a step back and trying to get control of himself.  He thought about denying it, but he didn’t want to lie to Cas. “I’m not really angry. I’m just confused. I’m not great at relationships, but I’m trying to be.”

“No, you have a right to your anger. I realize that my reaction is not ideal after the intimacies we shared.”

“Do you regret what happened?” Dean asked as he tried to parcel out exactly what Cas was saying. He certainly didn’t feel more assured when it took Cas a few seconds to respond.

“No, I don’t regret it. If anything, I regret my reaction.”

“What?  Being into it?  Enjoying yourself? I’m not following you.”

“Dean.  I cried all over you and then fell asleep. I may not have much experience, but I do know that behavior is less than ideal.”

“Come here.”  Dean held out his hand and was going to lead them over to the sofa but instead decided on the bed.  He lay down and motioned for Cas to join him.  “We’re just talking.  Promise.”

Cas still looked skeptical, but he joined him on the mattress.  “Why here?”

“Because this is where you first really opened up to me.  Look, you don’t have to be embarrassed.  Shedding a few tears is not a big deal.”

“Dean, you don’t understand how difficult this has been.  When I became human this last time, I was overwhelmed.  I couldn’t handle all the emotions.  I cried constantly over everything. I had to regain control.”

“Is that why you came up here to the cabin?  Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to see me like that.  I didn’t want you to take on the burden of being responsible for me.”

“We’re friends.  We’re supposed to help each other”

“You haven’t always come to me for help,” Cas pointed out.

"Yeah, and look what happens when we try to go it on our own.  Both of us have made some questionable choices.  But I get it.  After you pulled me out of Hell, I was pretty raw.  It was easier to just try to block everything out.”

“Then you understand?” Cas sounded so hopeful.

“Yeah, I do.”  He turned and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “But unfortunately, it doesn’t work.  It doesn’t go away.  It just festers, eating away at you.  At some point, you have to deal with it.”

“I am dealing with it. Last night was the first time in months that I felt overwhelmed.”

“Cas, it’s not the same thing. You’re not dealing with anything, you’re just bottling it up.”   He knew it was going to be a hard sell.  He wouldn’t have listened had he received the same advice.  Hell, how many times had he rebuffed Sam?  He felt like a hypocrite, but he knew where this would lead. At least he’d had years of practice in burying his feelings.  “I’ll help you.  We’ll do it together.”

“Is this a requirement for our relationship?”

“What?  Of course not.  Look, I’m not trying to ….”

“Then I think I’d like to go into town now,” Cas interrupted.  “That is, if you’re still willing.”

He had known it wouldn’t be easy, but he hadn’t expected Cas to shut him down so efficiently. 

 

 

Despite their rocky morning, they had a pretty good time once they got into town.  Dean drove them back to the same thrift store to see if they had any games.  Most of them were for children, but Cas didn’t seem to care and picked out the Littlest Pet Shop Monopoly game.  He figured they were all the same anyways, and Cas seemed to enjoy studying the characters and trying to figure out what they were.  They stopped at another store and checked out their toy selection. They decided on Scrabble, Risk, and Yahtzee.  Dean felt himself breathing a sigh of relief when Cas’ eyes barely landed on the Sorry box. They had enough issues to work through without bringing up past hurts as well. 

They had passed a bowling alley on their way to the stores, and Dean thought that would be a great way to spend the afternoon.  Cas spent the entire first game frowning as he repeatedly threw gutter balls, but he was giving Dean a run for his money by the third game.  And he was smiling and definitely more relaxed than he had been earlier.  Dean still wasn’t ok with how they’d left things, but he could let it go for now. Forcing the issue wasn’t going to do Cas any favors, either.

They had dinner at the same bar they had visited on their first trip into town.  There weren’t any specials going on so the place was pretty calm. Cas led them to a small booth towards the back near the pool tables. 

“Wanna play after we eat?” Dean asked once they had placed their dinner order.  They had all night as Cas had opted to stay overnight again. Dean strongly suspected that it was to avoid the intimacy of the cabin as they seemed to be pretending their morning discussion never happened.  

“I would,” Cas told him, watching two men at one of the tables.  All the times that Cas had accompanied them on the road, he had never attempted to play. 

“All right,” he said with a smile. “We’ll make a night of it.”

With a full belly and a couple of beers under his belt, Dean was feeling pretty relaxed.  And as predicted, Cas was a quick study. He was a good sport when he lost, but he made sure not to make the same mistake twice.  The crowd in the bar didn’t pick up as the night went on, and since Cas was enjoying himself, they continued to play game after game.

“You’re a quick study,” Dean commented.

“Did you think I wouldn’t be?”

“I didn’t really think about it, period.  I grew up hustling pool in bars.  It’s as natural as breathing to me.  Wouldn’t have surprised me if you weren’t able to hold your own, but I also tend to try not to underestimate you.”

“Yes, you and Sam are both very good. However, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you play for fun.”

“We have,” he answered with a shrug. “Just not very often.”

“How is he?”

“Sam?”

“Of course,” Cas replied giving him an odd look. 

“He’s good.”

“So everything is ok?” Cas pressed.

“Yeah.  Everything’s fine.”  Dean took a step back from the table, curious as to why Cas was asking.

“I saw you on the phone earlier. I assumed it was him.”

“It was.”  Crap.  Talking to Sam wasn’t a big deal, but apparently it was since he’d gone out of his way to keep it from Cas.  He’d received a text while they were bowling and had given Cas the excuse of hitting the bathroom so he could make the call in private.  He hadn’t wanted Cas to know about it, and now it was kind of obvious that Dean had kept it from him intentionally. Yet he couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed that Cas was obviously fishing for answers when he refused to open up himself.  “You got a question you wanna ask me, Cas?”

“Are you leaving?”

His annoyance quickly faded as he saw the flash of indecision on Cas’ face.  “No, I’m not leaving.”

Cas nodded and seemed to accept that answer until another thought appeared to take hold.  “Are you turning down jobs because of me?”

“What?  No.”  Dean wondered where all of this was coming from.  Admittedly, the morning had started off a bit tense, but he thought the day had gone pretty well. “Hey, come here.” He moved over to stand next to him, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him.  He wasn’t big on public displays of affection, especially not in a small-town bar in Montana.  “You know I’d never leave anyone in the lurch.”

“You never turn down jobs. Not when someone needs help.”

“Yeah, well.  Someone else can take this one.  Listen, Sam has other people lined up. He was just checking to see if I wanted it,” he explained.  “If they really need me, I’ll go, but for now, I want to stay here.”

“Because of me.”

“Because of me and what I want. Sam and I are trying to see if we can’t find some type of balance with this life.  I thought you wanted the same thing.”

“I do.  I guess I just overreacted.”

“Nah, I shouldn’t have tried to keep it from you.  It just seemed like you were trying to get some distance from the lifestyle, and I was trying to respect that.”

His explanation seemed to do the trick.  The tension seemed to fade from his eyes, and he gave Dean a tentative smile.  Dean gave him a soft nudge with his shoulder and then nodded back towards the pool table, hoping to get them back on track.

 

 

It was shortly after midnight when they decided to head to the motel.  Those last two beers seemed to hit Cas harder than the rest, and he appeared ready to collapse.  Cas dropped his duffle inside the door and flopped onto the bed.  Dean was definitely on board with that idea, but first things first. He adjusted the thermostat and then stood next to the bed and nudged Cas.

“Hey, let’s hit the shower and get that bar smell off of us.”

Cas moved his arm from across his face and gave Dean a weary stare.  “Since when do you mind smelling like smoke and alcohol?”

“Since you smell a hundred times better than the freshest of bars.  Come on, shower with me, and I’ll wash your back.”

Cas’ expression changed from weary to wary as he sat up.  Dean gave him a wink and a smile as he headed towards the bathroom. “I’ll try to save you some hot water, but no promises.”

He swallowed his disappointment as he stepped under the warm spray.  He could understand Cas’ hesitation, but it still hurt a bit.  He was rinsing the shampoo from his hair when he heard the bathroom door open.  Cas didn’t say anything when he stepped into the tub so Dean merely moved over and made room for him.  Cas looked completely out of his depth, but he was obviously willing to try.  Dean pushed on his shoulder a bit, urging him to turn around.  He squeezed some shampoo into the palm of his hand and then began massaging it into Cas’ hair. 

“Cas.”

“Ummm?”

“Feels nice doesn’t it?”

“It does.”

Good. And that’s what he wanted, to show Cas that they could be like this without any pressure or unease.

“You’ve done this before.”

“Shower? Yep.”

“With someone,” Cas clarified.

“Occasionally.”

“I haven’t.”

“I know.” Dean tilted Cas’ head a bit and rinsed the shampoo, combing his fingers through the long curls.

Cas sighed and leaned his back against Dean’s chest, not seeming to mind at all that Dean was aroused. Dean hissed at the warm pressure but didn’t step back. “Cas?”

Dean felt the other man tense up and knew that he was beginning to second-guess himself. He slipped an arm around his waist and kept him flush against him.  Encouraged by the fact that Cas was also hard and willing, Dean reached down and began to stroke him while thrusting slowly against him. With the warm water and slickness from the soapsuds, it didn’t take long for Dean to get them both off. If Cas was tired before, he was downright sagging in Dean’s arms now.  He rinsed them one final time, and did a quick job of toweling them off before getting them tucked into bed.

 

Dean’s hopes for a peaceful night’s sleep were shattered around 3am.  He felt when Cas woke up and left the bed to head into the bathroom.  He stayed under the warm covers, fully expecting Cas to be back within a few minutes. After ten minutes, he started to get concerned, and fifteen minutes later, he decided to check on him.   He rapped slightly on the bathroom before gently pushing it open, giving Cas notice that he was coming in.  He found sitting him on the side of the tub with his head resting in his hands. 

“Cas.  You ok?” He knelt before him and tried to get him to look up. “Hey, come on. Look at me.”

Cas finally relented. Dean’s heart ached when he saw the haunted look in his watery eyes and the way his lips quivered as he tried to speak.

“I can’t do this again. It’s too much, Dean.”

“I know.  I promise I’ll help.  I won’t let you down this time.”

Cas shook his head. “No.”

“Ok.  I won’t push.”  He stood and left the bathroom.  Everything inside of him screamed for him to go back and stay there, to be the support that Cas so desperately needed.  But it wouldn’t work until Cas was ready.  Denial only worked for so long.

He settled back on the bed with his back against the headboard.  He switched on the nightstand lamp, reached for the remote, and waited for Cas.    Watching television had worked as a distraction before so Dean was willing to try it again.  When Cas finally joined him, he sat at the foot of the bed, facing away from Dean.

“Most of my dreams are about the things I’ve done, the pain that I caused.  I remember it in great detail.  And now that I know what it is to feel as a human, it hurts even more.  Some days, I can barely breathe from the weight of it all.”

Not sure Cas was ready to be touched, Dean stayed where he was.  And honestly, he was a bit worried.  What if Cas decided he needed to be on his own?  They had only been together as a couple for a short amount of time, but Dean wasn’t prepared to let that go. He expected them to have issues. After everything they’d gone through, how could they not?  He’d meant what he’d said about being friends no matter what, but he certainly had his preference.

“Tonight was different, though. Tonight I dreamt that you left, and I was all alone.  Maybe it’s selfish, and maybe I don’t deserve to have something good after all the horrible things I’ve done, but I want it so much.”

Hearing the pain and uncertainty in his voice, Dean moved up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. He rested his chin on his shoulder and murmured in a soothing voice. “I’m not going anywhere. And I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you the last time.  I told you before that I’m here, no matter what, and I mean it.”

“Dean, I’m a mess,” he croaked.

“Join the club.” He turned and pressed a soft kiss to the side of his neck.

“What if this is it? What if this is all I’ll ever be?”

“Then we’ll deal with it. Personally, I’ll take you any way I can get you.”

“And if I’m not ready to hunt?”

“Then you can stay at the bunker or the cabin, and I’ll be with you in between jobs.  Or you can do research and stay strictly behind the scenes.  Whatever you want.”

“And if I don’t open up but instead bottle things up, as you say?”

“You’ll talk when you’re ready,” Dean replied biting back a small grin, knowing that Cas had already made up his mind but just needed to hear the assurances. “We’re talking now, right? Trust me, there are going to be days when I’m the one clamming up.  Just because I’ve been in relationships before doesn’t mean I don’t have my own issues.  I can be moody and insensitive. I worry about how you feel about me, and if I’m messing up.”

“I promise you, you aren’t.”

“Not yet,” Dean told him giving him an affectionate squeeze.  “It happens. We work through it.”

“You can’t possibly want this, not when you can have a normal relationship with a normal person who….”

“Cas,” Dean interrupted. “I have been chasing normal my entire life, and I’m sorry, but you’re it.  Now if you don’t want to be with me or if you need some space, that’s fine, but I know what I want.  What do you want?”

Cas shifted in his arms so that he was facing Dean, searching his features for whatever answers he needed to hear. Dean reached up and wiped away the two tears that had finally spilled over onto his cheeks.  Cas leaned in, dropping his forehead to rest against Dean’s.  “I want this.”

“It’s yours,” Dean promised.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me through the long updates. :)


End file.
